|A WIP (work in progress) shot of a Caged Faerie I am currently illustrating in photoshop.|
It’s Hideous But I Can’t Look Away
First, a proper ramble about the sucktitude. The crappiness started coming in extra large and more distracting than usual doses in February 2011. Throughout all of it came copious amounts of stress, pressure and stupid bits in between, including of the financial variety. Yet somehow, as torched as it all was, there were laughs, random beautiful moments and as a bonus, not all of them got tainted by later events.
For a few weeks I was really sick. Followed by epic doubts about my engagement. Next, oh lovely of lovelies, sleep deprivation set in hard. Then I got hospitalized twice, one major and one minor.
During that time, I also became angrier than I’d ever been in my life, thus far. Which, most unhelpfully, only added more stress. That anger was wild. If you’ve ever read much of my Decadent Angels series, that says much, as Gillian’s perma-rage simmering below, with bits bubbling closer to the surface, was based on my own, circa 1995 to present day. You try being secretly pissed for about 17 years solid, and then tell me hey life’s not hard *skullpunch*. Haha, certainly a contributor to me being such a tough SOB. Word.
Around then, the scariest thought I’d ever had occurred to me, and the next week, an even scarier one smacked me up. Ask around, I can think of some serious scariness. Though many things scare me, there are very few things that truly madly deeply terrify me outta my skull. I mean, chuck a zombie at me, that’s just gonna allow the mischievous rebel warrior in me to be let off the leash, after I’m done being all startled and squeaky. It’d be nice if such scary thoughts dissipated with time, but no, they are the kind that haunt a girl, sporadically. At least it’ll make glorious fodder for my fictional writing endeavors. Gotta keep that positive attitude while hiding beneath the bed covers!
Amidst the onslaught of doom, I had some fabulous psychic feelings and dreams. Which can really be taxing, energy wise. And haphazardly mentioning disjointed bits of it while in the presence of doctors is not particularly helpful. A girl gets weary of more than just the world being mildly psychic.
For months preceding my maternal grandmother’s death that March, I, like many family members, felt it coming. Like the death of my maternal grandfather some 11 years prior. Though this time included slight inklings of details. She had been the grandparent I’d been closest to.
That earthquake in Japan came with a premonitory slug, too. When I have a sense of foreboding and clairvoyant inkling, I typically have to sit down hard when the ‘ah there’s that thread’ feeling hits and there comes a tiring sinking sensation. I’ve had such inkling and connecting thread feelings for several things over the years (for example- 9/11). Each time it bears a large load, an emotional steamroller plowing through me. A relevant support group would likely be invaluable to one such as myself. We could discuss topics like methods for not appearing the total loon in front of authority figures. There could be punch and cookies. Then some of us could toddle off to SA after (I’ve been issued threats to be sent to Sims Anonymous, more than once, it’s a very real addiction, even now I feel the call to play that damn game (You can friend me for Sims 3).
Also, had this one thing happen that will always be one of the things that I despise most about my life. People, sometimes it's really bad to let someone talk you into something when you're all vulnerable and stuff. It ****ed me up pretty bad. One of those things that has a body shaking their fist at the sky crying, “Why God why?!” A bit of an answer did eventually come to me, but it doesn’t take away the emotional burn of it. Not going to get into detail. But it still ****s with my mind.
August was a vicious little interlude. My then fiancé got a horrible phone call, that was a contributing factor (among many other things) in our eventual break up. The specifics of which forced me to weep for more than a solid hour and left me with the detestable feeling that all involved in poking me so probably ought to get struck by lightning. A life long friend about-faced then abandoned me, the lack of surprise and counting it as a blessing doesn’t cancel out the ouchiness of it. Then the car got repossessed, somehow the exorbitant costs of reacquiring the car, plus repairing and registering it fell to me (A month later, I was in danger of feeling bitter over that rub – not my car, nor can I drive). Soon there after things disintegrated further, and by mid September I was single but living with my ex and his no longer ex. Brutal is a mild word for it.
It took until early November to get out of Illinois and back to my home state of Arizona. That’s so not enough time to pack a house, clean a house, arrange a place to go, and arrange the other craptastic details of a sudden cross country move, including securing the funding for said move when one has no savings. Sauté with a hefty portion of heartbroken depression.
Then, serve with a plate of living at my mom’s house again. Never since obtaining a step-monster has that been a healthy environment for me.
Yeah, yeah he has some good to him now and again, but the bad has always over-shadowed and ruined that for me. Suffice it to say I have post traumatic stress disorder because of him, and if not for that I probably never would have had even half the obstacles I have to deal with regularly. My sister is in agreement with that assessment. Woohoo, traded one cage for another. Beauty. Damn cages must stop following me around! I do think I have a map to the way out now though, yay progress. So, though I’d had several sources of stress removed from my life other ones swooped in to fill the void. Can I just say, I make great effort to clear out that particularly beastly void and I’d really ****ing like it to stay empty and voidy!
In January, two more family members died.
In early March the step-monster caused me to cut him out of my life and to spend 3 days in a shelter (where, ya know cuz I need to be kicked when I’m down, apparently, I got accused of something I didn’t do, and could barely sleep).
Healing and Shiny Bits of Freedom
The 1st bits of good that started happening were things like gaining an income and more food money – major blessing. Some incredibly important items even got added to my inventory (completely vital to speak as though I’m a video game character at every opportunity). My quest, as you may have surmised, is to eke out a better life and escape that dreadful labyrinthine construct of cages. Quest items obtained over the summer include - a new computer, my very own laptop, a digital camera, and a proper mp3 player (crucial, I swear mp3 players are so therapeutic they ought to be covered by health insurance). If I had trusted my instincts I would have used the remainder of that money to move to Arizona then and not given the relationship that entire extra 6 months of another shot. I mean, hell’s bells, I did have premonitory dreams about the end for months. Many of the details in them even came to pass. Why don’t I obey them instincts more completely? Oh right, still only human (despite the nanobot attempt to convert me to programmable cyborg, pshaw, filthy inferior nanobots. teehee).
In mid-October, I was brave enough to start looking into the plan to eventually get around to dating. So I was (and still am), from very early on, proactive in my attempts to heal and whatnot. Additional inventory items acquired – bead and wire supplies & tools.
The train ride from Illinois to Arizona was sweet! It was the first solid, genuine taste of impending freedom. There was this notion of the changes for the better heading towards me as my train hurtled across the country. Even managed to start an attempt at NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, where every November, people who love to write attempt to pen the 1st draft of a 50,000 word novel in 30 days). For years I wanted to attempt it, I’d try to come up with an idea but then not be able to get anywhere near actually starting. On the train ride, I managed to type over 4,000 words of it in one day. Granted, the rest of November did not co-operate beyond pushing out another 4,350ish words. Still, calling it a victory, because the ice is now broken. As long as I write regularly until November, I shouldn’t have any trouble starting the 2012 NaNo.
Finally got to meet my nephew and fully enjoy being an auntie, while at my mom’s. The nephew and I had some good times. Epic games of peekaboo. That weird game he often dragged me on, where he opened one door then ran and opened another door and back again. And my favorite - his ball (technically it was from my mom’s stash of emergency Superballs and bubbles) rolled under the freezer, while I was on the floor retrieving it for him, he decided we were suddenly playing WWF and kept body slamming me while I tried to not die laughing. Someday I’ll get to meet my new niece.
Managed to complete an art project that I’d been working on way too long. Plus, I posted many items to my zazzle shop since returning to Arizona.
In January, I got to visit family in Phoenix, most of whom I’d not seen since 2006, or longer.
By late February, my broken heart mending was finally showing real progress, as were my other healing endeavors. By mid March, I realized I could honestly say I am no longer in love with my ex. Moving on is actually happening to me and I’m becoming more free in other ways too, for example, I’m losing weight.
In late March, I started dating this guy I really like.
In April, I moved into my own place. Though the place is distinctly less than ideal, it’s definitely a massive quest item obtained. Further inventory items acquired – random household goods, a wire jig (for wire wrapping), emergency bubbles, emergency Superball. Now things are starting to settle down. Getting into the art, writing, and making stuff pretty heavily. Granted, it may be awhile before I can get home internet again, but I can make do with the library for awhile. Figure that will work out better for increasing my creative work output levels anyhow during the adjustment period. In theory.
Living in my own place means I get to make the environment less stressful and more conducive to working on and finishing projects. Plus, complete autonomy over the kitchen, and my eating and sleeping, is freaking beautiful. This place may be small in size but it’s massive in scope.
In late April, I finally got a start in getting involved in the local art scene! This is not only major, it has better clarified for me what I want out of my life.
In May, things began getting more efficient all around, and therefore more productive.
Yesterday, got home internet.
Life is really starting to look up and ensnare some of that balance and freedom stuff I so covet. I’m so going to obliterate the hell out of this being caged nonsense.
Heh, so how has your last year or so been? Hope it’s been kinder to you.
Have your last year’s worth of obstacles adversely affected your creative efforts in any major way? If so, are things starting to look up? Is anyone else starting to come uncaged?